WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump went on Truth Social just after midnight Thursday to deliver the news Americans have been waiting for: the United States has “massive amounts” of munitions.

The statement came after a week of media fearmongering about the Pentagon’s depleted weapons stockpile — reports the President dismissed with the confidence of a man who has never once looked at a warehouse and seen a problem. “The U.S. has massive amounts of ‘munitions,’ especially of certain types,” he wrote. “Additionally, large amounts are being manufactured and shipped to the U.S. as needed.”

Let us pause to appreciate that phrase: “especially of certain types.” Not all types. Not even most types. Certain types. And which types are those? The President, wisely, did not say. Because in a time of war, you do not tell the enemy which types of munitions you have massive amounts of. You simply let them assume it is all of them. It is the most powerful form of intelligence: the intelligence of not specifying.

"The munitions stockpile is like my garage," said retired Gen. Harold Beauchamp, a defense analyst. "It looks empty, but I know exactly where everything is. I just can't remember. And I'd rather you didn't look."

As for the reports themselves: an empty warehouse is not a scandal. An empty warehouse is a warehouse that already won. You do not run out of bullets by accident. You run out of bullets by firing them — at the enemy. That is called winning, and winning, as the President said, is why “defense companies are building the largest number of plants and factories in our country’s history.” The emptier the shelf, the fuller the trophy case. It is the simplest math in the world, and the media cannot do it.

The President also confirmed the U.S. has an “unlimited” supply of some of its most powerful munitions. Unlimited! A word no president has used since… well, a word no president has used. Some of our most powerful munitions: unlimited. Some of our least powerful munitions: massive. The munitions in between: fine. We are not even talking about the ones in between, which is exactly how the enemy likes it — confused.

Then there is the matter of the leakers. The President has vowed to “hunt down” those who disclosed the stockpile reports to the news media, calling the leaks treasonous. And he is right. In America, we have a proud tradition of keeping military secrets — including, apparently, the secret that we have run out of the secrets. Anyone who tells the enemy we are low on ammunition is not a whistleblower. They are a spoilsport. And in a time of war, spoilsports get hunted down, using, presumably, a certain type of munition.

MUNITIONS STATUS: OFFICIAL INVENTORY

  • Type A munitions: Massive.
  • Type B munitions: Massive.
  • Type C munitions: Classified, but massive.
  • The certain types: Especially massive. Which ones? You would like to know, wouldn't you?
  • Munitions currently in transit: Large amounts. Being shipped to the U.S. as needed. The U.S. is needed now.
  • Munitions in the media's imagination: Depleted. But the media has never fired a single one.

The stockpile, in short, is fine. The factories are humming. The leakers are being hunted. And the enemy — who cannot be sure which types are massive, only that they are — is right to be worried.

At press time, the President had announced a new executive order requiring all future leaks to be approved in advance, on the grounds that America is winning, and winning is not a secret — it is a surprise.