Saturday, September 5, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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Vance credits Bobby Kennedy for his 30-pound weight loss; the diet, per the diet, "started with a phone call" ◆ London's first self-driving taxis roll out — 15 of them, each with a human in the driver's seat who is, per the human, "not driving" ◆ India's avocado imports surge 27%; the fruit, per the fruit, used to be "for the dog" ◆ CMU physicists overturn a 147-year-old Hall effect assumption; the math, per the math, "still works, differently" ◆ Acuña Jr. hits his 200th home run, fastest in the history of the thing; the record, per the record, did not exist until he made it exist ◆ White Castle deploys 1,000 hot slider vending machines; the box, per the box, is "trying to be a kitchen" ◆ The Fed's Waller says the whole economy hangs on one number; the number, per the number, is next week ◆ A Polish man looking for car parts finds a 1,800-year-old shield full of a dead warrior's ashes; the scrapyard, per the scrapyard, is "continuing to sell car parts"

About Freedom Eagle

America's most trusted source for news that is completely made up, lovingly crafted, and suspiciously plausible.

Who We Are

Freedom Eagle was founded in a Panera Bread in 2019 by three former political science majors who couldn't get real jobs in media but were very good at making things sound official. Since then, we have grown to a team of twelve staff members, forty-seven "contributing analysts," and one intern named Brad who keeps pitching stories about cryptocurrency.

Our mission is simple: to provide the American public with the satirical news coverage they deserve — which is to say, news coverage that is technically fictional but feels disturbingly accurate.

Our Editorial Standards

At Freedom Eagle, we hold ourselves to the highest standards of made-up journalism:

  • Every story is thoroughly invented before publication
  • All statistics are generated by rolling dice or asking a Magic 8-Ball
  • Quotes from sources are either completely fabricated or aggressively paraphrased
  • We always add a disclaimer, though few people read those
  • Headlines are crafted to be 40% more alarming than necessary
  • Corrections are published... theoretically

Our Team

Freedom Eagle is staffed by some of the finest satirists, parodists, and people who are very good at using big words in confusing ways:

  • CR
    Chip Rightsworth Editor-in-Chief & Head of Alarming Headlines
  • PP
    Pamela Pundit Senior Political Correspondent (Has Never Been to D.C.)
  • BL
    Barry Loudvoice Chief Opinion Officer & Amateur Economist
  • TD
    Tammy Deepstate World Affairs Reporter & Conspiracy Debunker
  • GS
    Greg Spinsworth Science Desk (B.S. in Communications)
  • B
    Brad Intern (Still pitching crypto stories)

Satire Disclaimer

Freedom Eagle is a satirical publication. Everything published on this website is fictional, made up, invented, fabricated, imaginary, or otherwise not real. Any resemblance to actual events, living politicians, corporations, or your weird uncle's Facebook posts is purely coincidental and possibly legally required for us to note.

If you are a politician or public figure who recognizes yourself in one of our stories: first, hello, you've made it; second, please read the disclaimer above again slowly.

If you are genuinely unsure whether our articles are real, we recommend checking Snopes, or simply asking yourself: "Does this sound too perfect to be true?" If yes, it's probably us.

Contact

We love hearing from readers, PR representatives who don't realize we're a satire site, and foreign entities interested in purchasing advertising space. You can reach us by carrier pigeon or through whatever contact form we eventually get around to building.

For press inquiries, please note that we are press ourselves, which creates a philosophical paradox we are still working through.