DUBAI, UAE — The world has officially entered the ‘Dubai-Style’ era, a period of culinary history where the only acceptable way to consume any product is if it is filled with an excessive amount of pistachio cream and crunchy kataifi pastry. What began as a viral chocolate bar has evolved into a global arms race of filling, with manufacturers now applying the ‘Dubai-Style’ label to products that have absolutely no business being pistachio-flavored.
From ‘Dubai-Style’ sourdough to ‘Dubai-Style’ organic dog treats, the trend has moved past the point of taste and into the realm of structural engineering. Patrons are no longer asking if a food is delicious; they are asking if it is ‘structurally sound’ enough to hold three inches of green cream without collapsing under its own weight.
“It’s not about the flavor anymore,” said one Dubai-based food historian. “It’s about the spectacle of the ooze. If the pistachio cream doesn’t stain your shirt and your car upholstery, you’re not actually experiencing the trend. We’ve moved from eating food to managing a viscous green liquid.”
The following scale helps consumers understand the current level of ‘Dubai-fication’ in the marketplace.
THE DUBAI-FICATION SCALE
- Standard Chocolate: Boring / Obsolete
- Dubai-Style Sourdough: Revolutionary / Structurally Questionable
- Dubai-Style Dog Treats: 'Barking' with Flavor
- Dubai-Style Drywall: The Next Frontier in Home Decor
While some health officials warn that the human body was not designed to process this much pistachio cream in a single sitting, the public remains undeterred. The trend has created a new class of ‘Ooze Specialists’—chefs whose entire job is to ensure the filling remains suspended in a state of perpetual near-collapse.
At press time, several homeowners in the suburbs have reported that their newly installed ‘Dubai-Style’ drywall is starting to leak bright green cream during high-humidity days.