FORT WORTH, TX — The FDA has upgraded the recall of 1,589,577 dozen eggs — nearly 19 million eggs — to its highest-risk classification, meaning there is a “reasonable probability” that eating them could cause “serious adverse health consequences or death.”

In other words, breakfast is now officially a danger zone. For years, Americans ate eggs the way they ate everything else: optimistically. The FDA has now told us the truth: eggs are a gamble, and the house is a chicken.

The recalled eggs — white shell and brown cage-free — were produced on Texas farms between June 6 and July 3, with sell-by dates between July 20 and August 17. They were sold under several brand names in multiple states. The FDA’s upgrade to Class I status means regulators believe the eggs could cause serious illness or worse, which is not the energy you want from a breakfast food.

At a Fort Worth diner Thursday morning, a customer named Earl Beauchamp sat staring at his omelet like a man who had just read his own autopsy.

“I’ve been eating eggs for 40 years,” he said. “If I stop now, the salmonella wins.”

"The FDA isn't saying don't eat eggs. It's saying sign a waiver."

The diner’s chef, a man named Roberto Vasquez, took a more professional view. “We cook eggs to order,” he said. “We also cook them to survival.” He gestured at the grill with a spatula. “You can’t live in fear. You can only live in butter.”

High school senior Marcus Whitfield, 17, was less philosophical. “My mom says the eggs in our fridge are ‘probably fine,’” he said. “That’s how it starts. First it’s eggs, then it’s the potato salad, then nobody’s allowed to open the fridge without a buddy.”

EGG RISK LEVELS: A CONSUMER'S GUIDE

  • Class I: Reasonable probability of serious adverse health consequences or death. Also known as "Tuesday."
  • Class II: Temporary or medically reversible consequences. Also known as "Thursday."
  • Class III: Not likely to cause adverse consequences. Also known as "the good eggs."
  • Of the 19 million recalled eggs, roughly 1 in 20,000 is affected — meaning 18,999,999 eggs are completely innocent. They are, however, guilty by association.
  • The phrase "cage-free" refers to the chickens, not the salmonella. The salmonella was never caged.

Some consumers have pointed out that cooking eggs thoroughly kills salmonella, which is a perfectly reasonable argument that ignores the fact that Americans have been eating runny yolks since the founding of this nation. The FDA’s position, as best as anyone can tell, is that you may eat eggs if you are prepared to treat breakfast like a contact sport.

“If you’re going to eat eggs, eat them scared,” advised Dr. Priya Raman, a gastroenterologist who was reached between appointments and who seemed, frankly, tired of the whole subject. “That’s my medical advice: scared, but well-cooked.”

At press time, the FDA was reportedly considering issuing a similar warning for bacon, just to be fair.