CHICAGO — City Foods Inc., a Chicago establishment, is recalling approximately 3,215 pounds of ready-to-eat pastrami and corned beef over possible Listeria contamination, the USDA announced — news that has sent the nation’s deli counters into a state of organized panic.

No illnesses have been reported, which the deli community is choosing to interpret not as luck but as a sign of personal strength.

“This is what we call a Tuesday,” said Marty Kowalski, owner of Marty’s Meats in Chicago, gesturing at the gleaming glass case of his deli, still fully stocked. “The meat is fine. The meat is always fine. The government just gets nervous when the meat has been delicious for too long.”

The recall covers products sold nationwide, meaning that somewhere in America, someone is right now staring at a sandwich they were very excited about and having second thoughts. Deli managers describe this as “the worst part of the job.”

Listeria is a bacteria that can cause serious illness, particularly in older adults, pregnant people, and those with weakened immune systems. It is also, according to one gastroenterologist interviewed for this story, “a real buzzkill.”

"You don't come to a deli for the safety record. You come for the salt, the smoke, and the feeling that you're getting away with something."

At Sal’s Sandwich Shop in Queens, patron Dennis O’Malley had just ordered a Reuben when the news broke on the radio behind the counter. He paused. He looked at his sandwich. He took a bite.

“I’ve been eating this stuff for 50 years,” he said, chewing thoughtfully. “If I was going to get Listeria, I would have gotten it already, probably during the Nixon administration. I’m basically immune at this point, like a deli meat warrior.”

Sal, the owner, nodded in agreement. “The government says 3,215 pounds. I say: those are rookie numbers. We’ve sold more than that on a busy weekend. This is a family business and the family eats the product. We’re all still here. Mostly.”

Public health officials are advising consumers to check the recall notice and return any affected products. Consumers, for their part, are advising public health officials to mind their own business.

“Every year it’s something,” said O’Malley, taking another bite. “Last year it was the lettuce. The year before it was the melons. You know what has never once been recalled? My appetite.”

THE DELI GAMBLE: ODDS & OUTCOMES

  • Pounds of corned beef recalled: 3,215 — roughly 12,000 sandwiches, or one really good office party
  • Illnesses reported: 0 — the meat is innocent until proven delicious
  • Reubens already consumed: 100% of the ones that were going to be consumed anyway
  • Deli owners who read the recall notice: 3 (the other 47 heard about it from customers)
  • Gastroenterologists on standby: all of them, as always
  • People who will still order the corned beef by Thursday: statistically, everyone

At press time, Dennis O’Malley had finished his Reuben and ordered a second one, reasoning that if he was going to get Listeria, he might as well get it on a full stomach.