BEREA, OH — The Cleveland Browns have announced a starting quarterback for Saturday’s preseason opener in Chicago, which is a sentence that contains three words that should not be taken seriously: “starting,” “quarterback,” and “preseason.” Head coach Todd Monken confirmed Wednesday that Deshaun Watson will start against the Bears on Aug. 15, with rookie Shedeur Sanders slated to start the following week. Both quarterbacks will share first-team reps in practice. Nobody will play in the fourth quarter. The score will be displayed, but it will not matter. And yet, somehow, a quarterback competition has been declared.

Let’s review what the Browns have actually decided. They have decided which quarterback will begin the first exhibition game, which is a game that exists so that teams can evaluate players, avoid injuries, and sell tickets to people who believe Matt Barkley is about to make a comeback. Watson starts Game 1. Sanders starts Game 2. That’s it. That’s the announcement. The Browns have essentially held a quarterback competition and decided that both men win, which is either the most inclusive approach to sports ever devised or the most elaborate participation trophy in professional athletics.

“It’s a fair system,” said Coach Monken, who confirmed the plan on Wednesday evening, according to USA Today. “Both guys get first-team reps. Both guys get a start. We’ll evaluate from there.”

"In a normal quarterback competition, somebody loses. In Cleveland, we've built something better: a competition where everybody gets a participation certificate, signed by the coaching staff, in a font that says 'we're all winners.'"

The two-starter system has its supporters. Watson, the veteran with the fully guaranteed contract, gets the first crack at proving he still belongs. Sanders, the rookie, gets to run the offense in Game 2 against starters who have already been yanked by halftime, which is the closest thing to a fair fight a rookie can get. Both quarterbacks get a start, which means both quarterbacks get a headline, which means the quarterback competition is effectively over before the games that matter even begin. It’s genius. It’s also the most Browns thing imaginable.

“Some people call it indecision,” said Quentin Mabry, a self-described “quarterback competition logistics coordinator” who was hired specifically to manage the rotation. “I call it fairness. We have two starting-caliber quarterbacks, so we have two starters. The math is simple. The depth chart just happens to be a circle.”

The Browns open the season Sept. 13 against — checks schedule — somebody, and by then one of these men will presumably have separated himself in the only arena that matters: games where the outcome is recorded in the standings and the losing quarterback gets blamed for everything. Until then, the team is taking the more humane approach of blaming nobody.

THE TWO-STARTER SYSTEM: HOW IT WORKS

  • Game 1 (preseason): Watson starts; Sanders watches; everyone says Watson "looked sharp" against backups
  • Game 2 (preseason): Sanders starts; Watson watches; everyone says Sanders "showed poise" against backups
  • Game 3 (preseason): Both play a quarter; the scoreboard is blurred for legal reasons
  • Game 4 (preseason): Third-stringer starts "for completeness"; the competition widens
  • Regular season: One quarterback starts; the other begins preparing his "I'm just here to help" face

At press time, the Browns had reportedly declined to name a starting quarterback for the fourth preseason game, saying they wanted to “keep all options open” and “see how the fairies feel about it.”