AKRON, OHIO — College football’s most democratic experiment comes with a catch: the democracy might be working a little too well.

Akron announced this week that it will raffle off the right to design the opening drive of its Sept. 12 home opener against Robert Morris. Every season ticket holder is automatically entered — each ticket counts as one entry — and the winner will spend the Thursday and Friday before the game inside the football offices, watching practice, and presumably being listened to. The announcement has drawn 22 million views on X, making it the most attention the Zips have received since, well, ever, and the school has seen a significant uptick in season ticket sales, with tickets starting at just $75.

There is, however, one wrinkle: some of those tickets are being bought by the enemy.

"I have never been to Akron. I have never watched Akron play," said a Robert Morris fan who asked to be identified only as 'Colonel Chaos.' "I now own six season tickets. I have a whiteboard. I have a plan. The plan involves a triple reverse, a double pass, and possibly a punt on first down, just to establish dominance."

Indeed, fans of Robert Morris — the Pittsburgh-area FCS program that will be on the other sideline — have been buying Akron season tickets in the hope of winning the raffle and sabotaging the Zips’ opening drive. The scheme is so brazen that Robert Morris is now considering recruiting ESPN personality and Pittsburgh native Pat McAfee to counter-mobilize its own fanbase, turning what was supposed to be a wholesome fan-engagement promotion into a full-scale espionage operation.

The response from Akron officials has been admirably calm. “We wanted to bring fans closer to the program,” athletic director Dr. Andrew T. Goodrich told reporters. “We did not anticipate bringing Robert Morris fans closer to the program. But here we are, and frankly, it is the most exciting thing that has happened in this stadium in years. If they want to script our opening drive, let them try. We have a backup opening drive. We have three backup opening drives. We have a laminated folder of opening drives.”

The fans, for their part, have fully embraced the chaos. One social media user pledged, “im not giving up the headset if we score.” Another wrote, “I’m in but if we fumble or throw a pick first play I’m disputing the credit card charge.” A third, apparently unaffiliated with either school, reportedly purchased tickets solely to run the “Annexation of Puerto Rico” play from the movie Little Giants, which remains legal in 49 states.

THE OPENING DRIVE RAFFLE: BY THE NUMBERS

  • Winner announced: Aug. 19. A date that has reportedly been circled on whiteboards in two states.
  • Prize: Design the opening drive against Robert Morris. Two days in the football offices. A laminated sheet. Absolute power.
  • Entry requirement: One season ticket. At $75, sabotage is cheaper than a parking pass at some programs.
  • Views on the announcement: 22 million, most of them, reportedly, from Pittsburgh.
  • Robert Morris countermeasure: Pat McAfee, possibly. The arms race has begun.
  • Akron backup plans: Three laminated opening drives, a formation called "The V formation," and one that is reportedly just a screen pass to the punter.

Whether the raffle ends in triumph, farce, or a nationally televised dispute over a disputed credit card charge, one thing is certain: it will be the most memorable opening drive in Akron football history, and it will have been designed, at least in part, by people who have never once been to Akron.

At press time, the winner had not yet been announced, but a Robert Morris fan with a spreadsheet had reportedly already filed a preliminary injunction, a counter-injunction, and a depth chart.