NYON, Switzerland — European soccer body UEFA has threatened FIFA with legal action over president Gianni Infantino’s failed plan to sell a stake in future World Cup profits to private investors — and, in a deeply courteous touch, asked that any potential evidence “should not be destroyed.”

“Look, we’re not saying anything improper happened,” a UEFA spokesman explained, holding up a binder labeled EVIDENCE — DO NOT SHRED. “We’re simply asking FIFA to keep all documents, emails, voice memos, whiteboard scribbles, and late-night text messages related to the proposal, so that when the lawyers arrive, everything will be exactly where it was.”

The failed sell-off plan, which would have sold a slice of future World Cup revenues to private investors, was abandoned after, sources say, several football federations pointed out that the World Cup already belongs to football, and selling pieces of it to hedge funds was, in their words, “a strange look.”

"We have full confidence in FIFA's leadership. We just want them to have full confidence in our shredding machines, which we will be watching."

Infantino, who has led FIFA since 2016 through a period of remarkable stability in the organization’s tradition of spectacular financial creativity, called the legal threat “baseless” and “a distraction from the beautiful game.”

“Everyone is focused on paperwork and lawyers,” Infantino said at a press conference, gesturing at a stack of documents that appeared to have been pre-emptively photocopied in triplicate. “Meanwhile, the World Cup grows bigger, bolder, and more exciting than ever. Who cares about a little bit of future profit being sold to private investors? The fans certainly don’t. They’re too busy enjoying the game.”

THINGS UEFA HAS ASKED FIFA NOT TO DESTROY

  • All documents relating to the sell-off plan
  • Any emails mentioning "confidential" or "hmm, actually"
  • The shredder itself (out of an abundance of caution)
  • Minutes of meetings that never happened
  • One very specific USB drive, you know the one

At press time, UEFA confirmed it had also asked FIFA to preserve “the tape from the security cameras in the parking garage,” “that one guy’s notebook,” and “the general vibe of the office,” just to be thorough.