In what officials are calling a “creative redeployment of existing resources,” the Department of Homeland Security announced Sunday that Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers will be stationed at major airports nationwide to help shorten security lines.

“People have been waiting in line for too long,” said a senior official who declined to be photographed without clearance. “We thought: who already knows how to manage crowds, forms, and a healthy distrust of small talk? ICE. Perfect fit.”

The pilot program, described in a memo labelled “efficiency through experience,” promises a number of passenger-friendly interventions. These include a new “Fast(er) Lane” for travelers who arrive with their paperwork memorized, a mandatory 30-second orientation on why the airport is definitely not the place to ask about asylum, and a light-touch bag shuffle that officials insist is merely “logistics choreography.”

Travelers were cautiously optimistic. “Anything that gets me to my gate faster is great,” said Marisol, who missed her connecting flight last week after an encounter with a malfunctioning accordion at the security checkpoint. “Also, I hope they like small talk.”

Critics pointed out the obvious mismatch: the same agency whose job is enforcing immigration laws will now be tasked with making sure you don’t miss your flight to Aunt Karen’s house. One policy analyst summed it up: “This is like asking the fire department to also run the concession stand—possible, but somebody should probably tell the concession stand where they keep the hotdogs.”

DHS spokespeople emphasized that the deployment is temporary and intended to be “strictly about queues and customer satisfaction.” They declined to rule out themed days, with one official winkingly noting, “Tuesdays will be ‘Proactive Paperwork Placement.’ Bring a pen.”

As airports adapt to their new multitasking staff, passengers can expect clearer signage, speedier luggage checks, and the occasional polite reminder about not bringing liquids over 100 milliliters—delivered, with a smile, by someone who also knows where to file Form 1-23b.

Whether the scheme becomes permanent will likely depend on an unrelated vote in Congress, an internal memo that needs stapling, and at least one viral video explaining how it all works. Until then, travelers should pack patience, a valid ID, and the kind of optimism usually reserved for holiday fruitcakes.