CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a landmark study published Thursday in the Journal of Findings That Validate Existing Opinions, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Theoretical Conclusions have determined that the root cause of all of America’s current problems is precisely whatever you — yes, you specifically — already believed it to be.

The study, which surveyed 2,400 Americans and then interpreted the results in whatever way best confirmed the researchers’ priors, found a statistically significant correlation between “bad things happening” and “the specific political group, policy failure, or cultural phenomenon you personally find most irritating.”

“We were shocked,” said lead researcher Dr. Howard Conclusión, adjusting his lab coat for a photo that will appear in your cousin’s Facebook post. “No matter what we were testing — inflation, crime, social anxiety, the decline of polite discourse — the data kept pointing directly at the thing our grant funders suspected all along.”

"The data don't lie. They do, however, selectively emphasize certain findings while burying others in a footnote on page 47."

The study’s methodology involved asking participants to choose between two explanations for a social problem — one that implicated their preferred scapegoat, and one that was more nuanced and therefore boring — and finding, unsurprisingly, that 94% chose the former.

“Statistical confidence is at 95%,” Dr. Conclusión noted, “which means there is a 5% chance we are wrong, which we will not be discussing.”

Study Stats

- **Participants:** 2,400 Americans, 1,200 of whom misread the consent form - **Margin of error:** ±19%, which we've chosen not to mention in the headline - **Funding:** The Institute for Things We Were Already Quite Sure About - **Peer review:** Two colleagues who agreed with us nodded approvingly

Critics immediately called the study “deeply flawed,” while supporters called it “the most important scientific finding of our lifetime.” Both reactions were predicted by the study’s abstract.

The research is expected to be cited by at least fourteen cable news segments, seven op-eds, and one viral meme by end of day, none of which will include a link to the actual paper.

At press time, a competing study out of a university you’ve never heard of had determined the exact opposite, and both studies were technically correct.