WASHINGTON — In what political analysts are calling “an unprecedented display of precedented behavior,” the United States Senate voted 51-49 Thursday to table a bipartisan agreement to disagree before immediately scheduling a heated debate about the merits of that decision.

The standoff began at 9 a.m. when Senate Majority Leader Gerald Hamworth (R-TX) proposed a resolution acknowledging that both parties hold different opinions. Minority Leader Patricia Coldwell (D-CA) immediately objected, calling the resolution “an outrageous oversimplification of our outrage.”

“We don’t simply ‘disagree,’” Senator Coldwell told reporters in a 47-minute press conference that included seventeen callbacks to the mid-term elections. “We profoundly disagree. There’s a difference, and frankly, I’m offended you’re not more offended.”

Senator Hamworth, speaking from a podium adorned with an eagle holding a flag holding a smaller eagle, fired back that Coldwell’s objection proved his point, which she called a classic example of him proving her point.

"We have reached a bipartisan consensus that bipartisan consensus is impossible, which is either a breakthrough or a collapse, depending on which cable news channel you're watching."

The argument quickly expanded to encompass the deficit, the border, the price of eggs, a 2009 procedural vote, and who left a casserole dish in the Senate break room.

“I’ve been in Washington for twenty-two years,” said Senator Don Bartley (R-OH), who caucuses with both parties depending on what day it is, “and I have never seen Congress so unified in its division. It’s actually quite beautiful, in a terrible sort of way.”

By The Numbers

The Senate has now voted 1,247 times since January on whether to vote on something. Average time per vote: 3 hours. Bills actually passed into law: 2 (one renamed a post office, one declared National Cheese Month in error).

At press time, a committee had been formed to investigate the committee formed to investigate the original disagreement, which sources say is “making real progress” in the sense that it is meeting regularly and ordering sandwiches.

The Senate is expected to recess for two weeks beginning Friday, as members have scheduled seventeen fundraising events, four campaign rallies, and one book deal announcement each.

“We’ll get back to governing soon,” Senator Hamworth said, adjusting his American flag lapel pin before boarding a private jet to his fourth home. “The American people can count on that.”

They should not count on that.