WASHINGTON — President Ronald Bluster signed an executive order Wednesday formally declaring that his position on the nation’s most pressing issue has “always been extremely clear,” a statement that conflicts with at least eleven previous statements, four tweets, two campaign ads, and one nationally televised interview in which he said the opposite while pointing at a chart.

The executive order, titled Presidential Proclamation 4471-B: On the Clarity of Presidential Positions, directs all federal agencies to acknowledge that the President “has consistently and without ambiguity maintained the position he is now announcing for the first time” and that any record suggesting otherwise “should be understood as out of context, misquoted, or from a different president.”

“I’ve been saying this from day one,” President Bluster said at a Rose Garden ceremony attended by seventeen cabinet members, all of whom nodded with the enthusiasm of people very aware of where the cameras were. “Everyone knows I’ve been saying this. The media refuses to cover it, which is why I’m now announcing it at a press conference covered by all major media.”

"The American people are smart. They know what I've always said. They've always heard me say it. I said it yesterday. I'm saying it now. This is not new."

White House Press Secretary Dana Spincycle clarified that the president’s previous statements — including a 2024 interview in which he called his current position “frankly insane” — should be understood as “strategic ambiguity,” which she defined as “saying things.”

The order also instructs the National Archives to “contextualize” any documents that appear to contradict the president’s recollection of his own positions, and directs the Department of Education to revise curriculum materials accordingly.

Executive Order Highlights

**Section 1:** The President has always been clear. **Section 2:** The definition of "always" is hereby amended to mean "as of today." **Section 3:** The definition of "clear" is hereby amended to mean "as interpreted by the White House Communications Office." **Section 4:** Anyone who says otherwise is doing so in bad faith, probably.

Opposition leaders immediately called the order “an unprecedented assault on the concept of sentences having meaning,” while the president’s supporters praised it as “finally, someone saying what we’ve all been thinking, which is exactly what he’s always said.”

Legal scholars described the executive order as “constitutionally novel,” “administratively confusing,” and “sure, why not, it’s been that kind of decade.”

The executive order takes effect immediately and retroactively, sources confirmed.